The Shack
This is such a powerful book and has touched me in so many levels - in ways that reached very dark parts of my soul where I have locked away emotions and questions that I have held onto about Dad’s plane crash and Grandad’s death. Although it is a fictional story, it really does give a good explanation of who God really is. I still struggle with completely letting go of the anger and bitterness that I have held against God for ‘letting’ something like these two events happen and I have always questioned God’s goodness because of my dad’s death. This book has helped me deal with some of that.Imagine my relationship with God as a big delicious apple pie (I know, strange, but I do well with food, so bear with me). There are several ingredients that need to go into the pie in order for it to taste good. I had all of the ingredients:
ingredients = spending time with God, going to church, prayer, reading his word, etc.
the apples = Jesus
I had prepared the pie to bake in the oven so that others could enjoy it = readiness to share Christ with others
When low and behold my dad’s death happened, and then grandad’s death - and I burned the pie because I let it cook in the oven too long (anger, bitterness, resentment, sorrow and sadness, and all of the emotions that come with loosing a loved one that can distract you from focusing on God). And even though it was my fault for burning the pie - I blamed God. And even though it was burnt and bitter and nasty - I still hung onto that pie. It may have been ruined, but it’s all I had left. I even tried to share some of the bitter burnt pie and got really mad at those who did not want any. I would have a pity party and would get my feelings hurt at anyone who would not come.
The shack has helped me to throw my bitter pie away and has helped me to realize that God is not evil. Because I am so strong willed and so independent, I have always felt like I have a right to know why my dad and grandad died. This book has helped me to see that I don’t have that right because I am not God - I know that sounds bold, but for someone as independent as me - It is the truth - I CANNOT RELY ON MYSELF… only God can rely on God. I don’t make the rules, I don’t get to judge other people, I don’t get to know why everything happens. This book has helped me see the goodness of God despite the evilness in the world and has helped me to understand that even though horrible things may happen, God is not out to hurt us; therefore it is ok to put your trust in him because He is not going to intentionally hurt me - and if I do experience hurt or pain or sadness or grief - that He will be there to bring goodness out of it.
This book has helped me understand that even though I am a very independent, strong willed person who has never taken no for an answer and has never relied on others, that it is ok to put my trust in God because even though my dad’s death hurt, God does love me. I don’t like to admit that God is in control, because in my thinking, if God is in control, then he controlled and orchestrated my dad’s death - which hurt.
For almost 8 years, I have felt like God let my dad’s death happen, that God was somehow responsible; therefore God must really not love me; therefore, I am not going to trust someone who doesn’t love me. And because God ‘chose’ this or ‘made’ this happen, because God controls ‘all’ things, and because I did not like it and it hurt so much, that I am just not going to love God, I’m not going to do what He wants me to do and will hold a grudge against him.
Ha. I’ll show him - just like we do when we are mad at someone here on earth - I just won’t talk to you. So I didn’t pray - for a long time. And just like here on earth - when we get mad at someone - we try to get as far away from them as possible. So instead of going to church - I went out with friends on drinking binges. Did I know better? Yes. Did I care? No. Why should I care? If God did not care enough about my dad to keep him safe in that plane, or my grandad enough to keep him safe in that storm….. and this kind of thinking got bigger and bigger - to where lately, after my trip to Kazakhstan and visited all of those babies and orphans - living in filth, broken toilets, sleeping on the floor, sometimes no power or no water….. if God really cares about us then WHERE IS HE???????????? If he does not care enough about suffering children, why would he care enough about me to keep me safe or answer my prayers. Since my mission trip - I really had been struggling with so many issues, not physical issues like drinking and partying like I used to, but heady spiritual issues.
I don’t doubt that there is a God - I had just been doubting his actions lately and had really started to question the chaos that has surrounded my life in the past 8 years.
The Shack has not answered all of my questions - the biggest one being why, but it has helped me to understand who God is and has helped me to understand that I can not rely on myself - that to understand who God really is, that I need to have an open relationship with him - praying, reading his word. Just like any other relationship here on earth - open, honest, and deep.
Whitley is Walking!!!!!
Love This
Nathan’s First Day of School
I can’t believe he’s already in fourth grade. Here is a pic from school yesterday.
This was the only one I got since we were running late. Such a good mom, I know!
Thursday come on Thursday!!!!
We found out late yesterday that we are closing on Thursday!!!!! Finally!!!!!!Nathan started school yesterday in Calallen with somewhat of bumpy start. It was a hectic morning - the plan of getting up at 5:30 to leave by 6:30 turned out more to be like get up at 6:00 and rush to get out of the door by 6:45 - 7:00 ish. Chris drove his truck over, following me with Nathan and the girls. I tried my hardest to follow behind him so that when we got to the school he would not get out and immediately start complaining about all the near wrecks that I almost got into. And we started off fine - not speeding, but going just the speed limit of 70. But then it was like he hit a wall and slowed down so that he could get behind me on purpose. So, of course, me not wanting to go 30 miles an hour on the freeway, went on ahead and had to control my laughter when I sped by him and then he got right behind and caught up. And of course, got out of his truck at the school telling me that he has called his work and arranged to have time to take Nathan and pick him up from school until we are in the house because he can’t take it watching me drive with the three kids in front of him and all the other crazies on the road. figures.
Which I am somewhat happy about not having to wake up at 5:30 and get the whole crew ready to go a whole hour and then back and then again in the afternoon. So it is an answered prayer and is going to save us a ton on gas, but he was 10 minutes late picking Nathan up on the first day of school because he was driving in from the valley. What to do, what to do, what to do…..
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starting to pack… yea!
I never knew what all it takes when one buys a house. The amount of paperwork and emails and phone calls and faxes and people that are involved has really shocked me. However, I have been impressed by house fast the process has happened for us. God is Good!!!! Nope, we’re not moving yet - but it will be very soon!! Like in a few days soon!!!!! For the past week or so, I have not updated the blog - but we have been like busy little ants scurrying around getting things ready to move. I do have to admit that I am a little disappointed that we are not moved in yet - but I am trying to be patient and realize that it is God’s timing that we are working on here - not Jenny Buttler’s.The bad part is that Chris had scheduled days off this week (Tuesday through Friday) because we thought we would be moving & Nathan starts school on Monday. We got him registered on Tuesday and if he wants to be in the GT class, then he’s got to go over tomorrow morning to take the Calallen GT test - which would be perfect timing if we could close tomorrow. But I don’t make the rules. We have poked and prodded almost everyone to speed this process up - inspectors, lenders, employers, the VA - everyone has done their very best at making things happen so quickly so that Nathan could start school on Monday & thank goodness they will still let him even if we technically don’t ‘live’ there yet.
We also have our new bedroom furniture coming today - which by the grace of God we found an awesome seven piece cherry wood bedroom set on ebay (brand new) for under $1500!!! Free shipping, and if when it gets here we don’t like it or it’s damaged, we can send it back no questions asked! So - when it gets here this afternoon, we’ll see how good it really is - the pictures looked beautiful though. So things are really rolling along, and I know that God will work all things together for good! It’s just the patience that I need to work on. Chris laughed out loud at me last night. He and Nathan went fishing and caught a bunch of fish - which of course they wanted to fry and eat for dinner. Whitley had a little evening cat nap and Gracyn was outside, so for the first time all day, I really didn’t have much to do, so I was sitting down at the table making a list of groceries and supplies that we would need to move into the house and I guess I was tapping my leg and the pencil and strumming my finges on the table when Chris came over and told me - it’s gonna happen…. just relax! And that’s the hard part right now - knowing that all of this work and money and time that we have spent filling our papers, and building our credit and saving our money (which is now mostly gone to appraisors, and inspectors, and termite guys, and gas on trips over there) is all in someone else’s hands. And I don’t understand what exactly it is that they are doing - everything is done - they’ve said everything looks great. Our lender told us that it was an automatic approval - so I’m sitting here waiting for the underwriter’s to underwrite what? I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING!!!!! IT’S KILLIN ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! breathe… relax…. but really…. I can’t stand it…. I’ve got to go find something to do today to get my mind off of this. I don’t know what though???/
Another round of inspections
The house that we currently have a contract on is due to get inspected today. We have waited for almost a week for this day to come trying not to pack up all of our belongings - but we are getting down to the wire on the first day of school and I know it is making Nathan nervous.We have decided to keep him enrolled in school at Flour Bluff instead of putting him in Rockport…. I know that this sounds confusing, but wait - we ARE still moving to Calallen. We just aren’t there yet and we feel like instead of pulling him out of a familiar school and putting him in Rockport for a few days or even possibly a week or two (depending on when we close) that it would be better to leave him in Flour Bluff for a little while instead of having him all over the place. That way if we are not in Calallen by the first day of school, at least he won’t have two brand new places to deal with. (All depending on Sylvia and Randell letting us use them for their address of course).
So what do we have left to do? Well, inspections today, then after inspections, the lender will order an appraisal. After the appraisal, we will have some papers concerning the loan, after the papers, I’m guessing is closing. And somewhere in there, we’ve got to pack up the things that are here at my moms, but leave what we need out cause we don’t know when we will be closing, get a UHAUL and move our stuff from storage, have a garage sale, be in a wedding, meet my mom’s fiance, take Nathan school shopping, get bedroom furniture, pick up couches from Sylvia and Randell (which I am pumped up about!), and all hopefully before the 25th of August - first day of school!! God, please help me!
Maybe this is the one!
Like I have said before, if the Buttler’s had a super-power it would be the inability to make a decision. After three offers on three different houses, one of which we came periously close to moving into with some severe foundation problems, we have yet again found a house. I am trying to contain my excitement until we know absolutely sure without a doubt that we will be moving into this house - because if everything goes along, it really will be a gift from God.This whole process has really caused a strain - kids, marriage, everything and everyone seems to be at a higher level of tension and stress. So we have reached an agreement and have a new contract on a brand new house!!! We are in the process of getting some inspectors to come and take a look and then we will move forward with our lender from there and hopefully close before school starts.
Here are a few pictures - like I said earlier - this house is truly a gift from God who is able to do immeasurable more than I could ever ask or imagine - when you see the pictures you will understand why that verse is so true:
See what I mean??? It is beautiful - ready to move in - and absolutely HUGE!!! I will certainly keep everyone updated as we progress. Like I said - we DO have a contract on this house right now and are due to get inspectors next week during our option period. We do not have a closing day scheduled yet - but school starts on the 25th and we are really hoping it will be before then. Isn’t the kitchen fabulous!!!!
Meet Anna!
Warmer, hotter, no cold! COLD!
We were playing this game the other day with Gracyn and Nathan, trying to teach Gracyn how to play. Nathan would hide my shoe somewhere in the living room and Gracyn would try to find it, when she got close, Nathan would yell warm, warm, getting warmer, you’re getting hotter, then she would turn somewhere else and he all of a sudden very loudly yell COLD COLD!!! Gracyn never really got the idea of the game, but we’re still working on it.I was laying in bed last night remembering how much we laughed while we were playing this, and as I was reviewing the past few days’ events with house hunting, it dawned on me that this is probably what we look like to God about now. We have made yet ANOTHER offer on ANOTHER house. This one is very close to the very first house that we found and the people who live there are pregnant with their fifth baby - so you would think that they would want to get on out ~ however, we can’t seem to reach a purchase agreement, in part because we really need the seller’s to pay all of our closing costs. If we did not need a washer/dryer, a fridge, and a bed, then paying a good chunk of the closing would not be a problem, and because this house is at the top of our price range, it is not leaving us a lot of wiggle room to roll anything in. So, they are going to have to realize that if they want to sell their house now, and to us, then we can’t pay closing because we need a fridge and somewhere to sleep.
I know that things are going to work out in the end, no matter where we go, I am super confident that we will not settle for a house that we don’t absolutely love, but in the past month I have tried so hard to listen to God and listen to where he is trying to tell us to go. And in trying to get inside of his will, I have felt like we have been playing that game. We’ll get close to reaching an agreement on a house and I think I hear God saying warmer, warmer, hotter - but then all of a sudden he shouts COLD COLD! And then we turn around and walk away and have to start all over. And like Gracyn, we are kind of getting frustrated. But unlike Gracyn, we are determined not to through a fit and quit. So even though He has hidden the prize so well, we know that we are going to be ecstatic when we find it, but we are having a hard time getting through the game.
So, as of right now, we’re still waiting. We’re on like a counter to the counter to the counter offer - I don’t even know anymore. We made our last counter on this house last night. We should hear back from them today, and if they say no - then we will start all over with the house that is next on our list. And that’s ok. I am just starting to wonder what to do about Nathan starting school. Do I go ahead and enroll him in Rockport? Or do I wait? So frustrating. It is looking less and less likely that we will be in Calallen by Aug. 25th when they start school - but God is good and faithful and He is able to do immeasurably more than I could ever imagine - so I am still hopeful. So we press on - what else is there???
